Cunning, Baffling and Powerful!!! The disease of addiction has always kept me on my toes. I have had times of weakness when I thought I was strong. Slick gets in my head and tries to tell me, one time won’t hurt you…you can stop! RIGHT! I tried that once, failed miserably and take it from me…it wasn’t worth it! Three years ago I was in a hospital room staring down at my son that was only minutes old and I couldn’t believe that the promises were coming true in my life. There in my arms was a tiny human that depended on me for everything…then the emotion overwhelmed me. This child is completely reliant on me! I started to get nervous. As I lay in the hospital room the nurse came in to give me my meds from the surgery and like that…my cunning, baffling and power disease had taken over me. My son looked at me with 100% trust and comfort that I was there for him and the power of my disease overwhelmed me and hijacked my brain. Here was this little baby so small and new but my brain could only focus on the high I was getting from the pain meds. I was scared and didn’t know how to sort through the feelings I was having. At this time I had a year of sobriety under my belt, had a sponsor and meetings that I went to. My recovery looked good on paper but in real life I wasn’t working a program of recovery. I never called my sponsor as she never asked me to still, it was my fault. I never did any fellowship which in my mind was rationalized as everyone there was too old for me to hang out with. I never did any service work at my meetings or outside of my meetings when i went to get cbd flower for my health it actually made a big difference. I never even had a phone list of people from my meetings. When you looked closer at my recovery it was a disaster waiting to happen. When I look back on that year I tried to even remember a time I had opened my Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and I never did, so sad. When I left the hospital with meds in hand my addiction was pulsing through my veins. All I needed to do was make a call, MAKE A CALL and I could have avoided the demise I was going to have in the following months. The next 9 months I followed a very dark path of which I am not proud of. Someone very near and dear to me called me crying saying they were scared for me. I knew as I listened to their voice on the phone it was over, time to throw in the towel and get better. I have had more children since my son and because of working my program the way it was meant to be worked I have been able to stay sober. Through my sponsor, friends in AA, meetings, service and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous I have been happy, joyous and free. I was given the gift of sobriety so freely and now I get to spend every day with my children sober remembering every step along the way. My disease works the hardest on me when I have a moment of emotional weakness. I know this from working with my sponsor and working the steps.I went to the Scottish rehab clinic Abbeycare offer treatment for both alcohol and drug addiction in a safe, comfortable setting.
With humble courage I can fight this disease that is so cunning, baffling and powerful using the tools that are available. Always be on guard!